flickerfade.org

did she die in hospital? at home? how do you discover that? do you yell her name, hoping to wake her up? these are things i should not think about late at night, but that’s when the e-mail arrived, 12:02 am exactly. she passed on just after christmas, and i didn’t even know her well at all. i just knew who she was, but just like when my high school classmate matthew garber died, it was a very strange feeling.

update. i think one of the things that bothers me is that, reading the obituary, i realize that this girl has done more than me in life, and that well, she died and i didn’t. that should be some kind of impetus for me to live better. so here goes, trying to live better! it’s bizarrely paralyzing and liberating at the same time.

i didn’t go to class today. i worked, though. on finding what to do next, and sadly, on a problem set hahaha

i think i know what kind of career to look for now.

i’m better at fixing things, not thinking of things. so i will fix things.

i am not the best researcher ever. i can do research, sure, but in fact, i find i’m not the type of person who asks science related questions. when i was working for TH i loved the work, but i noticed that when i went to seminars and stuff i wasn’t the inquisitive type. i took pleasure in helping the people in my lab do what they needed to do, though. it was about them, not the work. so i won’t do research forever, just what i want to do in order to fix things.

i don’t want to fix everything, just certain things. so i will fix those things instead. education and health. i went into biology because i wanted to help sick people, the people who have difficulty helping themselves. i like education because it helps people help themselves.

i think just like with the startup stuff, the only thing holding me back is a need for financial security. this has been a stumbling block for a while.