flickerfade.org

i feel weak because i feel like i am one of the few people who stands up. and i don’t even stand that tall. though i know that i am definitely not the only one to stand up, all i do is think.

i hate to talk about zidane’s headbutt again. but if someone really called me a terrorist or some bullshit racial crap i wish i had the courage to headbutt his ass to the floor. i can’t tell if this feeling of vengeance is a good or bad thing. i’m not afraid to be forthright to my friends–i even imagine myself kicking their asses from time to time, but that’s because i am close to my friends. i wish i could say the same about injustices and the little stupid things i see every day. was zidane right or wrong? the line is quite fine.

i have many dreams. but i am only following one or two of them.

instead of writing my statement or something i watched that episode of how i met your mother where ted drinks and then actually does something, even if it was kind of silly. maybe i just need a drink. ALL THE TIME.

i believe it is bad to make the same mistakes over and over. they say it is difficult not to do so but i think it’s a crock of shit, it just takes vigilance. but many mistakes are worthwhile. i need to be a bit less afraid of them. maybe it is instead that we don’t know whether things are mistakes . . . until we do them.

looking back at all the things i’ve said and done, the few times i’ve pissed people off, the days where i was colder than the wintry air, or seething, burning hotter than our oklahoma sun at my circumstance, or whirling around in confusion about my future–all of it was probably for the better, because sometimes things aren’t working. it’s better than faking it, wasting my time. they seemed like mistakes at the time but they turned out to be among the best mistakes i’ve ever made. or at least, that’s what people who make mistakes say.

anyway, this ends my spewing onto the page, because i am just looking for patterns to expose for my personal statement. added bonus, you get a glimpse into my mind. i’m tricky.

makes me really tired, so i just stop putting in the effort. this is bad. or maybe i am just making better use of my time, i can’t tell. gotta stop lamenting, start acting! funny how my lament brings it full circle.

i am supposed to work tonight but maybe i will just sleep.

quickly i will remark that zidane was probably provoked into that headbutt, i’m interested in reading about how. france were better and more positive on the night but italy have been better through the tournament, so both sides probably deserved to win the world cup overall. i’m a bit surprised at how cynical italy were today, honestly. even with a man advantage they did not press, the full-backs were withdrawn all night, they dove (more italy than france, though france were guilty sometimes), remonstrated with the referee (again not just them), and so on.

it was a day where neither side really deserved to lose, but only one side pissed me off. is our game really turning to shit?

update. a paris-based anti-racism group says materazzi called zizou a terrorist, or insulted his family. based on materazzi’s denial i’d say he never called zidane a terrorist, but instead called his family terrorists. that would fit all the claims.

but i rush to judgement here. insults happen all the time. but in a world cup where a banner telling us to kick out racism is shown before every match, a terrorist insult should be punished to the greatest extent. we just have to find out if this story is true first. knowing fifa, however, there will be no investigation, or a best a cursory one.