flickerfade.org

i slipped six times today, without falling. then i fell. but not because i slipped.

we have this strange desire to be voyeuristic. somewhere along the line, i lost that desire. no more silly profile reading, no more blog reading. i don’t even know if people read this. i don’t even care anymore. and even if i wanted to, i couldn’t find out, because my hosting company is messed up, having been purchased repeatedly, losing its tech support, losing shell access, and so on, and with it the stats packages.

it makes me live now. but now is so bleak. still, you know, it’s not that bad. i felt that way when i went to mit. i’ve felt that way several times in my life. sometimes paths just cross in strange ways. out with the old, in with the new. then back to the old. then out with the old. then some more new. then some nothing.

i think lives change. it feels so good to let go. just enjoy what we have. meet again. never meet again. we wish the best.

i am getting at something here. sometimes the things around us are irrelevant and we have to stay the course. we have to learn to live for ourselves.

but not too much. because one’s justice is another’s injustice. i think that attitude prevents me from being truly committed to something. i have trouble deciding what the best course of action is. i was watching this aids documentary today about vaccines. in the 80s gay men, who were the most affected by the disease back then, fought hard to get treatment for their disease. but the vaccine was lost in the shuffle. they fought hard. and yes, they got their justice. but injustice followed. and we still don’t have a vaccine. and of course you have dirty pharmaceuticals. vaccines are not profitable, so they don’t even try. that’s why i don’t work for one. but maybe i should. i have my justice. but maybe i am making more injustice. maybe i can help out.

let’s see about next year. maybe i just need vacation. a little flow. at work i feel so useless, but i have this nagging feeling that it’s not totally my fault.

this whole post lacks structure. probably better that way.

none bad, but none good either