you know, the DNTEL song. that is not called that but repeats that line. like my phone when i don’t answer it.
here are some random things. i have a lot of packing to do and i am getting lazy. although the connection is deep i am uprooting it as i speak, because if i don’t someone else will. cuts keep appearing out of nowhere. i have to return the car tomorrow, which is sad. gonna go to the mall probably to buy work clothing unless something comes up (like the interview i’m having)
a simple thing that made me happy today. the music was too loud in the car, and i turned it down. not only did i work for myself, i asked nicely and enjoyed relative silence. or at least, in my head. i almost typed on my head instead of in my head, which would have been really strange since i was driving at the time.
a moderately complex thing that made me happy today. getting lost and finding the way back. actually we just drove in a triangle. this took fewer words to describe, but trust me that it was a more difficult task.
so here is a really complex thing that might make me happy. i have decided that i will use fewer words tomorrow. and more pictures. i can see why people stop blogging. because it discourages real interaction. even an e-mail or something is better than this. a real, personal one, not to some list.
i need to meet lots of people this summer. it’s strange to think that our closest friends will no longer be our closest friends in a few years, as we meet new people. distance really can wreck things, even through all the e-mails you can possibly send. this i know from experience. only a certain light shines through this screen. i am worried about the sights i will not see next year, the lives i will not be involved in, the dates i will not go on, the things i will not do. and really, i should be worried about the stuff that will happen.
i wish, in short, that i was happier. but i really am pretty happy. i’m just worried about being happy tomorrow. is it security i’m looking for? i used to say no, but in a way i’m beginning to find that is what i actually want. it’s not security in the money or friend sense, it’s security in the happy sense. i’m just not sure what makes me happy anymore. it sort of just happens. i thought it was work for a while. it turns out that just fills time up unless you like what you’re doing. (work just wears you down.) i thought it was working for others’ happiness for a while. but it turns out that’s really tiring unless you live for yourself every so often. (other people are pretty selfish sometimes, so you have to match them or you get screwed, which is pretty crappy.) i thought it was balance, but then i just got bored. (being good at everything means you are great at nothing. and people tend to get bored with things they don’t excel at.)
but many of my friends have a knack for putting themselves in situations conducive to happiness, a knack i don’t think i share. i wander a lot, but it takes something more than that. i have to open my mind, but the more i think about doing that the more closed my mind gets. ugh where do you find this knack? i was happy today, but i’m not really sure why, of course being at the burnses’ house helped but yeah what’s next?
i forgot to put your guitar away, matt. oops. i’m sorry.