flickerfade.org

the impulsive me has definitely come out this weekend, and he’s really happy. the key is confidence. that’s how you do your best.

i learned all sorts of random stuff today . . . things you’d think i’d have noticed earlier but apparently i am getting a bit spacier. for example, the marathon made getting fried dough difficult but it was all good. i didn’t know you could buy it in the common, despite the fact that i walk through the common all the time. other examples abound, but not here.

oh yeah, we went to the WRONG APARTMENT today whoops. it turns out i had seen the place before, though. two years ago, before soldiers’ field.

yeah, life repeats itself in funny ways. breaking the cycle, however, is very hard. not talking about the apartment here, either. i can’t tell if it’s struggling or settling. i didn’t write on my hand today, and it turned out well. but i’ll write on my hand tomorrow just in case. you have to keep up the gains, right?

there was a study that found happy people are healthier, and not just the other way around.

i need your help. well, sort of. and only if you’re willing.

you know, sometimes i’m not so sure where i stand on, well, everything. everything ranging from the cosby show (good or bad?) to the flow of life to dating to whether or not chelsea has purchased the premiership. only one thing is certain: i’m still coughing . . .

i keep telling myself to act, but i can never bring myself to do it. i live a life of missed chances. i’m the striker that never scores goals. i think i’m too idealistic. i have to learn to bridge ideal and reality. and it starts now. i never gave up on my ideals, but i certainly did let them hobble me.

i always get that feeling that even though i feel like i’m doing my best, there’s never enough time to live up to all my ideals. i’m not exactly blaming myself for failing. however, i always have that feeling i can be something more, a feeling of inadequacy, and yet, since i’m doing my best, it’s something i don’t have to fix. and that in turn makes me think i’ve fallen back into just coasting, like a lot of people i know. i’m gonna fix that.

i think back at all the times i’ve been mean, and it’s been because i get incensed when someone else gets mean. that stereotypical “hate breeds hate” thing. like when i play footy (or unihoc, haha) and the other team is dirty, i become dirtier too. that isn’t right, i think. i feel like someone has to stand up for the team, and yet i wish nobody would have to, because the problem should never be there in the first place. a simple conflict of ideals.

there’s still something written on my hand. but i think i have to add to it. two things on my hand now? i have to remind myself all the time, because i know i’ve written this stuff over and over! and i get better, for a week or a month but never much longer. maybe an extra phrase on my hand isn’t what i need. i just need encouragement. not direct encouragement, not “yeah alvin!” or “you rule, alvin!” but just that subtle push every once in a while. a good deed, a kind word. then it can become “good breeds good.”

a show like bosom buddies? what the hell was tom hanks thinking? see, there i go getting angry again . . .

sometimes i just have to say it. SAY IT. SCREAM IT TO THE HEAVENS. or at least to the people important to me.

when i was born, my name was the 286th most popular name in the united states, given to approximately 250 babies out of every million. (see this link.)

when i have kids i am going to be their youth soccer coach. i will have to learn to be more encouraging and less harsh. kids don’t know better. but adults do.

i did a lot of coding last night and today. and now it’s time to move on with my life . . .