flickerfade.org

i am trying to remember the number of times i have been disarmed.

oh yeah, the circumstances too. the first time was in sixth grade. you know that smashing pumpkins song? it was exactly like that, with a smile, except not with the depressing rest of the song, more like a blissful disarmament. i think it was only twice with smiles. does that say something about me? but to balance that out, i can only remember one other time, and it was bad news. so maybe i just don’t think about it. or maybe i don’t feel anything.

it might be time to open up, because i can’t remember the last overwhelming emotion i had. it might also be time to sleep, because i think the lack of rest deadens anything i might have.

i watched the sound of music tonight, and i realised just how much i have grown up. (not that this is the only thing that reminds me.) i remember the first time i saw it, and how i knew nothing about that whole nazi thing at the end, and why the von trapps were running their asses off to switzerland.

when that boy liesl liked caught them at the end in the graveyard, i wanted the father to kick his ass for some reason. i think i’ve been watching too much of the 007 days of bond on spike tv. too much ass kicking.

i did hear a family friend sing all the music as it played on television, though. he was washing dishes. it was surreal. it’s like i had a glimpse into something private, because he was just singing along with no regard to what was going on elsewhere in the house. then i realised i know the melodies to most of the songs. this is interesting because i think i’ve only seen it three times before, and i never listen to the music. the way i picked it up so readily surely has something to do with the way culture disseminates?

i actually haven’t gotten around much since i’ve been in norman. tonight was the first time i drove somewhere by myself this break. i just feel like there is no place really worth going here, which may or may not be true. i have friends, but i don’t really feel like seeing them, either. i feel like i just need to sit around, take a break from stuff, spend some time doing whatever i want. so instead, i learn python and read and watch television.

oh yeah, and i search for gifts online, because today is christmas! except, we celebrate post-christmas, because it’s easier to shop after the rush is over. besides, it’s just me and my parents, and we’re in no rush. we’d rather save money by shopping the day after anyway.

so merry christmas. and the new year is coming soon. you know, in a week or so. and soon, i go back to cambridge. and life beckons again. i’m strangely impatient for that day, despite the fact that this could be the last time i’m here for a long time, depending on what happens in the next few months. weird weird weird. i do miss my home life, but i miss my life as a student (and what little professional life i have) just as much. i have to grow up just a little more.

suddenly, i want to be in france. strange.

if you know me, tell me something obvious about me, something you see in me every time you see me. i think i am looking in the wrong places. i just wonder if there is something in my life i truly loved the whole time, something i have been ignoring or pushing away for one reason or another. it might be something i need to embrace.

i wanted to ask the dentist today why she went into dentistry. i began to look around and wonder if people knew why they were doing things. or whether you had to know why at all. she seemed happy at her job, yet always tired. so which one is it? or is it both? and if it is, is it really that rewarding?

maybe my standards are too high. but i think a job i truly love wouldn’t leave me busy, but active instead. there’s a big difference. one implies unwanted responsibility, the other seems to imply true enjoyment. i guess it’s possible to have both, but when do you give up looking? maybe a family changes all that too. i don’t really have one of my own, though, so i couldn’t tell you.

but HEY! i got a good grade in project lab, booyah. that suddenly turns the term to “respectable” from poor. so for now, i enjoy my life, and try to relearn things i should (have to) know for classes next term.