goodbye, stupid e-mails. thank you nice athena programs, thank you. i have to learn to live for something further away than one hundred fifty feet, and not let something so artificial guide me. this contest is really fucking lame i have realised. it was fun the first time sort of. but i would like to think we have more important things to do in life than caring about something so trivial and sending e-mails that are at best only slighty funny (is that the correct use of that or should it be which). unfortunately no no no no no nope is our only hope.
you’re so concerned with names and the what ifs and the whatnots and not what’s in your heart. wait that’s me. HA. why the hell am i so scared. time can’t be up that fast, it makes me bleed like i have fifteen finger pricks from trying to sew things up, when really i should have gotten some new fabric and made a new quilt of memories.
i was with my best friends today and it made me feel fully empty or emptily full or rather full of something that i can’t describe but is good and bad at the same time. walk on walk on sleep. thank you collin, david and mike, you make me a better person by reminding me that there really is something more than fifty feet away besides target and its wonderful boxes of jones cola and all the things i buy, a purpose in life that we are all seeking blindly but hopefully confidently. the only way it’s bad is that it reminds me how far behind i might be in this.
i open the doors so i have choices later. when i find my purpose i can take that shortest path to the room that isn’t filled with poisonous ferrets who nip at your heels and make you fall over and scratch your ankles until you laugh yourself silly. i mean, i can take the shortest path to my goal. finding my goal is so difficult, sort of like finding a paper topic except it’s a life topic so you need to figure out what you are going to be and find references, read them, ask questions and revise your life.
i also talked to my parents for an hour which is greatly calming. they reminded me of what is important and i moved to fix things. well only one thing tonight because of smash, the reason i cannot go to the third floor lounge for the time being, sometimes it makes me waste away like a cheap sandcastle. no thanks to it but thanks to it for letting me have fun with no strings attached. i am afraid of using the word which because of the pasting we got in project lab.
my anger and fear and love is the steer all hogtied up in these lines, it struggled to get out but it stays immobile forever, a slave to someone mean, a whirlwind in a bottle. i’d be more serious but that would be painful not only to me. oh what the hell i’ll be more honest. just this once. actually this is not the first time, but that is a bad story i won’t retell.
you, as i walked home from the student center, i was annoyed at you because you just randomly started dumping, which is normally ok. but this time you made it seem like your big predicament was special, which it is not. you should know almost everyone is wrestling with the same problems and i always get this feeling, possibly mistaken i’ll admit, that you aren’t doing all you can to find out what you want, instead seeking a path of somewhat instant gratification. you get what you give. that feeling in turn makes me slowly lose respect for you. i could be wrong, please correct me if i am. i get that same feeling about myself; it makes me sick to my stomach when i play smash, it makes me want to break my controller so i don’t play again. (plus i like breaking things every once in a while, the same way i enjoy chucking pumpkins out the windows here.) it also makes me sick to my stomach because of my hypocrisy. you, you made my day start to go downhill, but i rolled the rest of the way down myself, the same way i rolled down towards that apartment building along fresh pond parkway with my friends one time. it was fun but i wanted to throw up afterwards and i never told anyone.
please don’t read into this too much. i had an ok day, i promise. i feel driven. but time needs to slow down, so maybe i’ll reset my wristwatch and take the extra time to write in a real journal or sleep or stare at the stars i can’t see behind the roof and the clouds.