flickerfade.org

i have wanted to:

1. eat ice cream, then suddenly not want to eat it
2. build an aspirator in project lab even though most likely, nobody ever needs one
3. listen to sunny day music despite the fact that it is not always sunny
4. watch manhattan (good thing i own it)
5. meet the people who review things for amazon
6. figure out why people look so sad, and fix it
7. write letters to people who live 500 feet away

i understand why i am so happy this week. i’ve remembered what it’s like to give all my strength and effort to things, having spent a couple of years trying to remember.

actually, today was a bad day! presentation went wrong, etc but the day was so good nonetheless. my camera came, which makes up for a lot. also learning who to trust and new friends and such. keep your promises, remember your words and thoughts.

i also lost my first roll of film in my new camera because i didn’t follow directions, ha. well, not having pictures is not a big deal. more importantly, not having memories is. i can just see the way each of those pictures was taken in my head, that’s enough for me. i really can just see the smile i kept on my face most of the day. (it’s in the reflection on the window!)

i tried to do this acid-base problem last night.

What is the final pH when you mix 50 mL of 0.01 M HCl with 100 mL of 0.05 M phosphate buffer at pH 7.2? What are the concentrations of H2PO4- and HPO4-2 in the final solution?

didn’t really work out. i got a 5 on the ap chemistry exam, but whatever. didn’t help me at all. NOT ONE BIT ARRRRRRRGH all that hell for nothing.

so instead of being a chemist i am a biologist. also i fix trails on 16 october. that is just too cool. well only if they reply and let me go, but it should be fun.

now why can’t i do it again? am i living through others, or myself? i have to answer this question. the answer should be both. one with the world, however corny that is.

i love biology, and not physics, because i feel like i’m on the front lines of something. i think it is helping people, it might be new knowledge. sometimes i need to step back and remind myself why we study bacteria and yeast and stuff like that when we could be helping people. but then i notice that everything has an application somewhere. even physics. i really hope that is one nice thing we are doing for people. actually i should stop hoping, i know it is.

biology sure has a lot of failure, though. i promise we won’t fail this term. i am so excited. we have probably one of the harder projects–we have to make a genomic library, which is a pain in the ass by itself. we’re not even sure if we have genomic DNA yet! and then we have to make the most confusing reporter construct ever. and we make silly mistakes all the time. but we learn from them. at long last, we understand what we are doing! this is my second cheesy moment–the joy is not the same without the pain. (guess which song that’s from. hint, i can play it on guitar–an instrument i need to purchase someday.)

i used to love physics, though. but that’s some strange past i don’t know about anymore. it’s still pretty cool. there isn’t much that i don’t really like, except fake people and empty statements. (i can sense those a mile away.) also papaya eaten by itself, and uni (sea urchin) that isn’t fresh.

there are other nice things i could be doing. and i have to do them. i still have all this time on my hands, i have to use it wisely. honestly, i don’t feel like i’ve ever failed miserably. maybe slightly sometimes, but never totally and utterly. how lucky am i? i don’t plan to begin now.

not quite a picture a day, but close enough. being stuck with the 750 pixel by 300 pixel format is pretty challenging, makes me see everything in panorama. of course, being stuck in a shape can be bad, too, you could forget to see what is, you could start to force everything to conform. sometimes, you have to free yourself from these things. but that’s later this weekend, hint hint . . . HOLY CRAP i have to apply for grad school too. and the career fairs and shit like that. i don’t have time for this! yeah i do who am i kidding. stop typing this, get your ass out there. you’ll know i’m really freaking out when the entire entry is all caps. not just HOLY CRAP.

whoops i missed the career fair. oh well. i also missed the food truck. it was totally misleading, parked there but CLOSED.