like i do on many fronts.
a couple of entries ago i talked about school. school does not worry me as much anymore, even though in some ways i am still uncertain. the thing about school is, it will finish because i will make it finish no matter what.
in hong kong i was talking to all sorts of people, watching my family, realising just what they have done with their lives. my family made something out of nothing, i think. both sides. my grandfather? fled shanghai during the war, found a new life in hong kong’s banking industry. my mum’s side? something from nothing again. my mum and her siblings may not have had a chance to become educated, but they knew the importance, and now my cousins are all pretty successful, all going to college and university and such. now they’re accountants, programmers, managers. nothing special, but doing well and happy enough.
i think everyone makes something out of nothing. we all start more or less the same, little hairless, toothless bundles, ugly yet somehow beautiful, completely unaware of our world. and now i have to figure it out. i am scared that i won’t end up successful, i am jealous of the stability in my family’s lives that comes from success. and the lack of that stability, the fear of change, is what keeps me from making a real decision. i just want to keep the people i love close by. and i fear that colours my decisions.
there are three choices. job, grad school, and suddenly i find myself mulling medical school, which is something i should have mulled over earlier. or a combination. i want to say i have picked the job but is that just stalling? i can see myself doing anything. there are issues i can tackle, things i can fix, things i can find out no matter what i do.
i think i just gotta let go and really figure out what i am doing, clear and free. stability is a luxury. i’d love to have it, but i don’t need it yet, do i? fuck this, forget stability, i have to be willing to say goodbye to the great people i know now, because it will happen anyway. sometimes friends turn out to be crutches, i guess, a big rat race for love and acceptance. i have to trust in friendship, know that it is more than that, know that it is everywhere, regardless of my decisions. it’s out of my control, and i’ll meet more great people, i know it.
it all comes down to this simple question: what is best for me? well, i’d better figure it out fast, or at least put some trust in whatever random decision i make. can’t be afraid to lose.