it all boils down to a fear of missing opportunities. but i can only walk one path at a time. and yet, i feel bad grabbing at everything. i find myself falling into one of my familiar traps–reading into things. everybody i see–every movement. maybe i can affect that guy’s life. that’s why i open doors for people. or help them pick sharpies at cvs, even though they’re asking the same question over and over–”is this fine tip?” no, it’s not. this is the medium tip. no, this is another brand. but what are you marking? and so on. it’s worth it, i tell you. at least, i have to keep hoping.
i try to carry the world on my shoulders at times because i don’t want to drop anything. MUST SHAVE and get haircut watched the last episode of seinfeld today where they all go to jail. listened to a man yell at his wife or kids or something over the phone on the m2. promptly fell asleep afterwards. got off at the bowl and board, apparently he wasn’t done. anyway, the world is too heavy i think i will put it down now for a little bit. but if you don’t try to pick it up who will? i see all these people just . . . acting for themselves. and another group, doing the “right” thing. and another group trying to reconcile the two. which group is the smartest?
the weekends are too full. the weekdays are too full. not unhappy, i had fun today, i love living in this flat, there is always something to do, monad is a fun game, ordered in from the flat for the first time (royal east). but i want there to be nothing to do. i seem to oscillate between wanting that and wanting to do everything at once. i feel like i am being dragged along right now. although my visions are probably wrong, i can envision how certain people will react to the previous sentence. being wrong is not a bad thing, because it’s a surprise–you never know how wrong or in what way you will be wrong. and then, you can do that cliched thing and learn from your mistake.
yeah that is a more accurate representation of my thoughts. and even that was edited. it was still a good exercise, i guess. usually i get annoyed with myself because there are all these things i think about each day. i’m sure i said that before. in any case, even though i carry my journal with me, i forget to write them down, or even remember them. so each day seems disjointed from the last. this is surprising in light of my otherwise effective memory.