flickerfade.org

yes i enjoy cleaning now. what is wrong with me?

just hopping along because i can’t actually work very hard as i wait for this slow-ass program to work.

he grew up in a rich, abusive family that earned its money in shipping. even through all the abuse he resiliently earned good grades in high school, wrote good college applications and made it to yale. at yale he became a staunch war hawk during the vietnam era. he remained a hawk after graduation, until he was drafted near the end of the war. however he barely saw action as the decision to pull out was made almost immediately upon his arrival in the country. he did pick up an asian fetish, though.

returning to the united states and realising that many people were always dying he decided to apply to medical school. after medical school he became a workaholic, and made very few friends. he also had no romantic life whatsoever. eventually he made a lot of “friends” through asian escort services. but one of them eventually became his wife. they divorced shortly thereafter as she realised he didn’t make enough money from his position at mass general. he was sad and angry afterwards. the woman was found beaten to death later. he was originally a suspect in the crime but eventually was cleared.

he worked hard, and eventually joined the faculty of harvard medical school. by the time he was 50, he made a lot of money–boy was his departed ex-wife missing out– and bought a huge mansion in the suburbs. he had a chauffer who took him to work every morning by 8am, the time he had always started since going to medical school. but moving to the suburbs just detached him more socially. he became resigned to his fate, he hated how he was never truly accepted in life except in his profession, and he eventually died alone and childless.

the end. what a pointless story. although it makes sense with what little i know about my neighbor. the nice thing about knowing so little about someone is that for fun, you can make up all sorts of crap about them. and then you can clear the slate and do it again. maybe that is why some find mysterious, enigmatic people very attractive at first.

i feel like i fall into the same traps over and over again. must learn to just shove it. and get more sleep so i don’t act so dumb.

it all boils down to a fear of missing opportunities. but i can only walk one path at a time. and yet, i feel bad grabbing at everything. i find myself falling into one of my familiar traps–reading into things. everybody i see–every movement. maybe i can affect that guy’s life. that’s why i open doors for people. or help them pick sharpies at cvs, even though they’re asking the same question over and over–”is this fine tip?” no, it’s not. this is the medium tip. no, this is another brand. but what are you marking? and so on. it’s worth it, i tell you. at least, i have to keep hoping.

i try to carry the world on my shoulders at times because i don’t want to drop anything. MUST SHAVE and get haircut watched the last episode of seinfeld today where they all go to jail. listened to a man yell at his wife or kids or something over the phone on the m2. promptly fell asleep afterwards. got off at the bowl and board, apparently he wasn’t done. anyway, the world is too heavy i think i will put it down now for a little bit. but if you don’t try to pick it up who will? i see all these people just . . . acting for themselves. and another group, doing the “right” thing. and another group trying to reconcile the two. which group is the smartest?

the weekends are too full. the weekdays are too full. not unhappy, i had fun today, i love living in this flat, there is always something to do, monad is a fun game, ordered in from the flat for the first time (royal east). but i want there to be nothing to do. i seem to oscillate between wanting that and wanting to do everything at once. i feel like i am being dragged along right now. although my visions are probably wrong, i can envision how certain people will react to the previous sentence. being wrong is not a bad thing, because it’s a surprise–you never know how wrong or in what way you will be wrong. and then, you can do that cliched thing and learn from your mistake.

yeah that is a more accurate representation of my thoughts. and even that was edited. it was still a good exercise, i guess. usually i get annoyed with myself because there are all these things i think about each day. i’m sure i said that before. in any case, even though i carry my journal with me, i forget to write them down, or even remember them. so each day seems disjointed from the last. this is surprising in light of my otherwise effective memory.