i always forget that we are all from way, way different places. this results from the the monotony of being here all the damn time for some reason. i have friends from texas. and everywhere else in between.
we are lucky. we have gotten a golden chance to leave home and see another part of the world. there are many people who never get to live further than a few miles from their childhood homes. i’m sure they are comfortable, mind you, but i bet a lot of them would have relished the chance to see somewhere else, even if unwillingly at first. it reminds me of 25th hour again, if ed norton really would have gone out to arizona or wherever. every place has a few merits. even freaking oklahoma.
i miss oklahoma. there is a certain familarity about the place and the people. the people are generally very nice, if sometimes very sheltered. but i’m sure people everywhere are sheltered. some people have no idea what the rest of the united states look like. some of these people are my friends, too. i miss the quaintness of oklahoma. i miss the state’s feeble attempts at being cultured, when it should really be focusing on its own special traits instead of trying to be like everyone else. and of course, i miss my friends. but i haven’t spoken to them in a long time. you always say you will get together, but it just isn’t always possible. the moments are already gone.
and i always forget about the outside world. except for football. (arsenal won the fa cup today.)
one day i will read all this again, and the stuff in my private journals. and i will just be ridiculously confused. or completely enlightened. and i will feel funny, foolish, happy, lost, loved, something special and different. but not the way i felt tonight. sometimes feelings are so fleeting. i remember all these sad and happy times i had this term. this year. this life. and it seems so fast, so long gone now. i was so depressed and worried in march. but march is long gone now. before that, i was very happy, for reasons i can barely remember now, and could barely remember in march probably. probably because those times were already long gone then too.
when i am always grabbing for more, like a fat man at an all-you-can-eat buffet, or the contestant in a game show bonus round, i miss out on what i already have. sometimes in the rush i drop things i shouldn’t. like my keys. or my phone. maybe my wallet. not to mention other more intuitive and cerebral things like happiness.
there is so much more around me. i spent today dazed like on friday. woke up, was treated to a wonderful breakfast by the members of 3w. then, something. i think tokens on my desk were used. then a long, long nap. then here i am again after some smash. it feels so wasted. yet, i was quite happy, even though something was missing.
i feel i have lost all my motivation for the next week. what bad timing. i think it will return tomorrow, because tomorrow i will actually do something different instead of just lounging. i don’t understand how some people can just study and study. i get lost in the monotony very easily. i still believe something is missing, but i am at least content for the time being.
side benefits of old times and feelings being long gone include being able to focus on now and the future. one day i’ll find everything that is missing right now. maybe i already have all of those things. maybe nothing is missing. maybe it’s just a rut.