flickerfade.org

take your medicine, alvin.

i was xanga-hopping (yes, sad i know, especially during finals week). i ran into one which noted that everyone is generally depressed and troubled. the line that got me was “why can’t everyone just be happy?”

i think one key to happiness is to not always be looking for sadness. sometimes, it hits you, but you have to make the most of what you have. don’t go around looking for trouble. but don’t ignore it either. i may be sick–but it won’t stop me tomorrow or thursday. and i am taking my medicine. and going to bed. right now. i think the real question is, “why do we work so hard to be sad?” because happiness should be the default.

i can’t believe how fast this year has passed, but i am looking forward to its end. some people are sad about it i’m sure–and i would offer them the same advice, because there is much more ahead in life. i noticed this as i was reading the technology review. i wasn’t reading the articles about science, and acheivement, and all that jazz. i was rather reading about the various alumni. they are all getting married, having kids, starting companies, inventing, curing, helping, changing the world, touching people’s lives. that is what we have to look forward to. now i see why i don’t care about finals more than i have to. so many bigger things.

regrets, haha. i have many, but they won’t hold me back either. and there’s still time to make some amends by looking to the future. for some reason, my mind’s been hanging on my past high school life lately. well, not just that i guess. maybe other things too.

ugh. finals. the funny thing is, i am not worried at all. people chalk it up to me being smarter or whatever. that is not it–i am no smarter than anyone i know–i just don’t care anymore about finals. i am just doing my best. it might as well be an hour exam. (in tomorrow’s case, it is.)

you should always do your best. well, up to a point, anyway. because academically best is not always absolutely best. there are other things in life.

i am getting sick. again during finals week. this sucks ass. i am tired of this bullshit luck.

sleep now.

dear gh.

somewhere on my particle board desk in my room at home, i still have that rejection note you gave me in seventh grade. of course, it doesn’t hurt anymore. now that i think about it, it didn’t really hurt much then either. it was more humorous than anything else.

i hear my feelings were finally reciprocated in eighth grade on that big camping trip the whole grade took. too bad i was too much of a moron to notice. that’s what someone else i know said then in response to an amateur tarot card reading i had done for me. i remember staying up really late that night for some reason. i was kicking myself for missing the chance–was that why you were always on the archery range shooting arrows with me during that camp?

of course, this is all meaningless now–it was middle school, for one thing (not to say that grade-school sweethearts have no chance), and the time is long gone. i think what gets me, though, is that i handle these situations very similarly now–i let them just roll off, i miss my opportunities, i hide behind my insecurities. have i not gotten past middle school in the way i handle relationships? should i feel more or less?

i remember hearing in the latter part of high school that your love life was actually half-decent. i hope that is still true and will always be true.

alvin