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i almost cooked today . . . and did not. instead i ate dirty mexican food at anna’s tacqueria, porter square. this was part of a night of somewhat partying, if you call video games partying. it was fun. people came over! to OUR FLAT! sorry, i am too proud. i feel independent. although i was rather sick in the morning, i still got a lot of coding done too. just hacked away in bed. lots of vitamin c too.

i could live alone. but i like living with people too. there is a lot of responsibility in being alone, but a lot of freedom. how that will change tomorrow night. more balance, i guess. how selfish of me. i play the music i want, when i want it. i load a bunch of cds into the cd changer. i come and go as i please. i wait a whole day to do a pile of dishes. (at least i don’t wait a week like some people.) that kind of thing. when i have a family of my own, whatever that means, i have no idea how i will deal with it. hopefully i will have a family that shares my taste? either that, or i will grow up and shut up.

in any case, it ends tomorrow. one day i will really be independent. and another day, i will not feel so . . . alone? no, i am not alone, or lonely, or sad. i don’t know how to describe it. it’s confusing when you don’t know who you are closest to anymore, when everyone has a glimpse of you, but nobody has the full view? no, that’s not it either. i feel misunderstood right now. but nobody is around to misunderstand me either, except me.

it is mind-boggling to think that six billion people are doing something right now. that is kind of random. i thought about that today because i spent a lot of time on the internet. i wonder which of them will be the next great artist? what are they all doing right now? who is at work? who is sleeping? who is sleeping together? who is sleeping on the job accidentally? and then i compare those six billion people i don’t know to myself. and i feel good and bad. because i am very lucky, but not living up to my potential.

soon i will be another person who is asleep. i wonder how many people are sleeping right now. this evil sickness and cough needs to die!

that was my worst cooking experience ever. i miss my own dishes. i will get them this weekend. even if i have to go back to dirty next house. not that next house is that dirty. we have al, after all.

cast iron really sucks. stupid toledo and their cast iron cooking material companies. everything sticks to it. therefore, broccoli burns. did i mention burning broccoli sets off the smoke detector? it is very loud. and it has no off switch. that meant i had to pull it off the ceiling and disconnect it from the power supply.

i didn’t even try meat. i just boiled some eggs instead. that did not work right either, as i put them in too hard and cracked them. my fault there. and handles really need insulation. how the heck do you pick these pots and pans up?

i guess my cooking skills have regressed a lot.

i do not believe my landlords cook very much. their utensils and pots and pans and appliances are kind of out of order. they only own shallow frying pans. their knife is very, very dull. oh well. i think i am too asian.

i am tired. already. but not from work. i think i am just sick still. i should sleep or dream or something.

so yeah, each second, even when i am doing something stupid like cleaning the apartment, i feel better. i think it is the lack of work. and the relative freedom. i play whatever music i want. even if it is depressing. depressing music for some reason makes me happier. it’s like, haha, your life is worse than mine. no, not really. it’s more like, haha, my life could suck a lot more.

i could really see myself being a housewife. except, the male counterpart of that, of course. whatever that is called. i guess that would be a househusband. it’s strangely relaxing. probably because it requires less thinking. or maybe because it is a change of pace.

for a while i wanted to be a school bus driver. i kind of still do. lots of school districts need them. it would be fun, and i would get to see bright faces (at least, the younger kids) but i would get bored of it really fast, and i would have to wake up really early.

and garbage man too. i have this great memory of following garbage men down the street while they played whiffleball with us using a mop. at the same time, while we were getting the ball, they kept doing their job. that is a little thing making a big impact. (i understand about goodbyes now.)

everyone looks at the big picture. i think the way to make a big impact in the world is a little bit at a time. kids make me really happy. i have all these funny stories from chicago too. but what was my point? oh yeah, kids are the future. a lot of things happen by accident, when you don’t expect them, sometimes right in front of your face, sometimes far away, sometimes good, sometimes bad.

yeah. stuff happens. but no matter what it is, we face it! like when you have to go to the bathroom really bad on top of a giant sand hill, you just make yourself a little litterbox and do your business. at least, this works if you are four years old.

clearly, i am still a tiny bit sick. i am still coughing, anyway. i used to say clearly a lot more. and hot damn. i actually said that today. i don’t remember why.