flickerfade.org

i made a mistake in the last post. my grandparents are moving back to hong kong, and away from california. not that it matters. you probably could have figured it out from the context anyways.

so, i noticed a lot of beautiful things today. like kids after school in mcdonalds and dunkin donuts. the way raindrops, the light ones that evaporate as soon as they hit the ground, still form ripples in the moat. friends. smiles. faces. eyes.

my eyes have gotten bigger or something. i noticed it looking into the mirror i eventually bought today. yeah, so i’m vain.

mistaken identity is a funny thing. do you say hi? are you really sure it’s them? what are the chances? oh well. i don’t even remember the person’s name.

i seem to have this people-watching obsession. like i don’t get enough emotion from my own life or something. which is totally not true. but still, extra emotion can only help.

it shouldn’t be that hard to ask for help from your “friends.” maybe they really aren’t your friends anymore. i hope not. but times do change eventually, i guess. how sad.

some people you just don’t want to take care of anymore. because they don’t try to take care of themselves. even children try to take care of themselves, albeit with disasterous results at times, but they at least try. you know, they try to get around by themselves at first, then they try not to pee all over stuff, then they try to dress themselves, etc. but i have friends (actually, one friend in particular) who i’m not sure about. he gets so far, then he doesn’t work for whatever reason. i’m sure you can ALL freaking figure out who i’m talking about. if he fails on monday, i give up. because he shouldn’t. especially since i get the feeling he hasn’t exactly done well on the three prior exams, even with the help of four (4) sheets of paper.

surprisingly i haven’t written in my REAL journal for a bit. i feel like i have worries but i can’t really put my finger on what they really are. i was on my own for much of the day, running errands and such. every so often i would just stop and stare at the ground randomly, like something was wrong. i had clearly thought of something bothersome, but i could never nail down what it was. maybe i have no problems. maybe i am just looking for them. my problems seem so trivial anyways. but what does it mean to be trivial? what’s trivial to one is not so trivial to another. oh fuck.

wow, four days without a post. that’s because life is good and i’m seeing my friends all the time. as i said earlier the choice is simple.

but still writing is theraputic.

here’s some random spewage.

life is funny. really. it’s also cyclic in ways. like when you realise how much you’re like your parents. this is a better week for me. less work. only an exam, maybe a problem set. being happy is really a funny feeling. i have all this stuff written on my arm. someone should take a picture of it. i smell like cheese, so my arm says. hi vivek. that kind of thing. birdman with top hat and dress. someone needs to clean our restrooms, preferably the people who can’t control where the hell they urinate.

i went shopping twice this weekend and failed to pick up anything except the most wonderful (and useless) schoolhouse rock dvd! which i will proceed to take home and watch on our wonderful, large, flat-screen television. unfortunately this christmas i will not be home very long, from 23 december to 4 january in the afternoon. this sucks. my mother’s right. in a few years i won’t be going home at all. job, grad school, and whatnot. this is quite scary. what happens when you miss your chance to build a lasting relationship with the people you love?

i’m really lucky to have not lost any loved ones. except my great-grandmother, but i didn’t know her very well, nor did she know me very well. we did meet once, the very first time i went to hong kong. she had alzheimer’s, though, so she couldn’t remember a thing about me, or my father, or my grandfather. she lived with my grandparents then, before they had moved to california. the next time i saw her i vaguely remember the nursing home in kowloon tong and white nursing home lawn chairs. she didn’t talk much. she was lethargic and weak. it’s scary to think about.

this is why i write this. because someday we could all be like her. i don’t want to lose my life because i lose my memory.

my grandparents are moving back to california. that’s cool for them in a way but it means no more real excuse to see my friends in the bay area. i hope i get their car. how greedy of me. my parents are driving out there next week. i’d like to be there too, even though my friends aren’t there, but i can’t really put my finger on why.

i hope thanksgiving isn’t lonely. it wasn’t last year, annie’s house was great. but it seems like a lot of people will be here. it’s expensive to go somewhere for just four days. sadly a few of my best friends won’t be here though. luke and jason might visit though, but it’s really been a while since i talked to or saw them. probably my fault, at least with luke. jason and i can get along but sadly we have little in common, although that is no excuse. but i don’t know, there isn’t really an obligation to keep up with friends from the past, is there? i mean, it’s a nice thing and all but it’s really hard and it feels like living in the past, which may or may not be a good thing in the first place.

it’s weird. sometimes when i talk to arick i feel like he is stuck in the past somehow. the little bits he tells me about his life never seem to change. he’s always depressed about how he says he has no friends, or something like that? but it sounds like he doesn’t do anything about it either, although i wouldn’t know. it’s hard to help someone who is miles away with a problem like that. but i still feel guilty, like i’m not enough of a friend or something. grrrrr. i think. maybe he just needs to live in the present. and maybe i do too, so i should stop worrying about his problem.

i’m quite sleepy, i really can’t think of anything to write. which is a marked change from just a couple of weeks ago.

what a long day. one of the less interesting days of my life, i guess.

i woke up, went to class, went to the lab, did work. that’s pretty boring. i was going to run lots of errands today but i took a nap. how sad. i REALLY need to call payroll. someone remind me. please. call me. something. yell into the phone, HEY BITCH, CALL PAYROLL. GET YOUR DAMN MONEY. yeah.

the other errands can wait. like developing film, etc.

my paper was pathetic, i need to e-mail my TA.

yeah, nothing else of interest today. what do you buy for someone you don’t know at all? i actually believe there was something of interest but i didn’t try to think of it. i think i was blinded by some sort of happiness.

ahh, i remember now. tina got really upset today. i hope she feels better. and people seem to act more and more random. it gets easier and easier to waste time. like random sparring in the 3w lounge. is the whole world crying out for attention? sometimes i feel guilty because i can’t hold the whole world on my shoulders. am i neglecting something? someone? lately i’ve felt really cold to most people. i’m just weary i guess.

is everything really righting itself?

i was nice to ben just now. go me.

i really have lost contact with my friends, zo is telling me all this shit about people from home that i didn’t know.

that was a bunch of random meaning stuffed at the end of an otherwise meaningless entry. had to keep the average meaning steady, you know.