flickerfade.org

chicago was relaxing in one way, not relaxing in another. either way it was really awesome. took lots of pictures. none of people. don’t know how that always happens. lately i have had an unhealthy obsession with signs, but it’s hard to grab them when you’re in a moving vehicle. i was so glad to see everyone i saw again, and meet a few people too. for some reason i got this strange feeling that everyone in committed relationships was living vicariously through me. well, i’m a bad choice for that.

anyway now that i’m back i still haven’t shaken the strange uncertainty and boredom. shit. i worked late tonight, i actually got lots of stuff done, but i think i need to version 2 again. really hard to code right the first time. as you do it you start to see these patterns you should have caught the first time, to save you time. just noticed this handy prototype function that would save me passing huge chunks of html from server to client.

and isn’t that life? you wish you had a second chance all the time. and you wish it was always exciting, even when you start to live slowly, differently, settling down. i never understood how people can settle. well, i sort of do. i’m just not ready yet. still. i had this ongoing debate with my friend j from high school. he’s so easily content. i’m always bored. really strange how i understand what he’s saying, and yet don’t. maybe it will be different when i find someone. and i’ll still feel really strange too.

final note. i have decided ages round. therefore, i am 20, and next year i will be 30.

one of the themes i am seeing in my life everywhere right now is how people determine the difference between “good enough” and “great”, or similarly, between content and truly happy.

i’m pretty sure i’m stuck in “good enough” mode. it’s so easy to ride along that freeway. so i’m looking for my exit. hey, at least i’m reading the signs. i’m thinking that because i’m seeing a lot of people around me not wanting to take any exits. they’ll just drive on forever. not that that’s bad, it’s just that i want to drive somewhere else, to strain that metaphor even further.

i am just so borrredededed all the time. wtf. i can’t tell why. i need to go to the beach. and uruguay. and yeah it’s a startup so my vacation can’t be that long, which strangely makes me want to quit, but that would also make no sense.

i don’t understand. maybe it is too much drinking. maybe it is just fhdajfhlgkjhdlf or fbaysufvnfgmgh or whatever they call it these days or the fact that i don’t feel creative at the moment. it is really strange to believe in my strength and not my motivation, which is the opposite of how i felt just a couple of months ago.

i watched this lame movie 100 girls because of netflix. it was bad. not terrible, but definitely nowhere close to good. it is weird to see a couple of famous actresses before their fame though. maybe i have some pictures of future famous people. who knows. or pictures of dead people. that is so weird too, haunting, to see a photo of someone who you can never talk to.

yeah my bad that was sad. that rhymes.

anyway i’d be happy to hear why people settle, because at some point we all have to. nobody’s perfect, and i’m not sure how much you can LIMIT BREAK (lame final fantasy joke there) without flipping out, sticking your head in a drawer, and slamming it shut repeatedly.

i’m reading mark haddon’s the curious incident of the dog in the night-time at the moment, and that’s what the boy’s told to do. he doesn’t. sort of. well it depends on what you mean by trouble. actually there is a twist early in the book (without ruining it) that feels weird. it’s not explicit dramatic irony, yet it’s supposed to be easy to figure out. it’s like knowing something nobody has ever known before, if that makes sense. like life research. you beat the boy to it, you see something in someone nobody else sees.

i was thinking this morning that it’s nice to hear nice things about yourself from other people. but it’s even nicer when you reach the point where don’t need to hear them, because these nice things people are mentioning are true all the time. that’s another goal in my life. to be good. so people don’t have to tell me “you’re good” or whatever all the time. that’s self-confidence–to know what you are capable of, and to go out there and take advantage of your ability.